A sexologist’s guide to finding your actual core values (not the ones that sound good on Instagram)
By Ms. Erin Alexander, Clinical Sexologist & Professional Detector of Your BS
Alright, let’s talk about values.
Not the sanitized, LinkedIn-profile version where everyone claims to value “integrity” and “excellence” while actively demonstrating neither.
Not the aspirational Pinterest-board values you pin but never actually live by.
Your actual, real, lived values, the ones that drive your decisions when nobody’s watching, the ones you’d defend even when it’s inconvenient, the ones that make you feel most authentically yourself.
Because here’s what I know as a clinical sexologist: Intimacy thrives on authenticity.
True connection—sexual, emotional, relational, requires understanding what truly drives you. Not what you think shoulddrive you. Not what your parents wanted to drive you. Not what looks impressive in your dating profile.
What actually, genuinely matters to you.
And most people? They have absolutely no idea.
They’ve never sat down and really examined the difference between what they say they value and what their actual behavior demonstrates they value.
They wonder why their relationships keep failing without realizing they’re pursuing partners who violate their core values.
They feel perpetually unfulfilled without understanding they’re living someone else’s value system.
So today, we’re fixing that.
I’m giving you an assignment that turns the typically dry, boring task of value identification into a fun, slightly provocative personal exploration.
Think of it as speed dating your values—moving from casual swipes to exclusive commitment to sacred vows.
By the end, you’ll know your Core Five values. The non-negotiables. The ones that, when honored, make you feel most alive.
And if you’re in a relationship? You’ll understand exactly where you and your partner align (effortless connection) and where you differ (the root of your recurring fights).
Let’s dive in.
Why This Matters (Beyond the Obvious)
Before we get to the game itself, let me tell you why this actually matters for your sex life and relationships.
When you don’t know your core values:
- You attract partners who are fundamentally incompatible
- You tolerate behavior that violates your actual needs
- You feel vaguely unfulfilled but can’t articulate why
- You make decisions that look good externally but feel wrong internally
- You wonder why “successful” relationships leave you empty
When you DO know your core values:
✅ You recognize compatible partners faster
✅ You set boundaries that actually protect what matters
✅ You can articulate your needs clearly
✅ You make decisions that align with your authentic self
✅ You build relationships that feel genuinely fulfilling
Your values are your relationship GPS.
Without them, you’re just wandering around hoping you end up somewhere good.
With them, you can navigate intentionally toward what you actually want.
The “Naughty or Nice” Values Game: How It Works
We’re narrowing down your values using three levels of commitment, moving from a casual fling to a lifelong partner.
The progression:
- Speed Dating Round → Top 25 values (quick swipes)
- Exclusive Relationship → Top Shelf 10 (deal breakers)
- Sacred Vows → Core Five (non-negotiables)
Let’s go.
Step 1: The Speed Dating Round (Your Top 25)
This is the fun, low-stakes part. Quick decisions. Gut feelings. No overthinking.
Part A: Build Your List
Start with these common values and add at least 15 more that resonate with you:
Common values:
- Respect
- Autonomy
- Security
- Humor
- Success
- Loyalty
- Adventure
- Fairness
- Balance
- Creativity
- Spirituality
- Passion
- Curiosity
- Health
- Wealth
- Environmentalism
- Honesty
- Kink
- Community
- Growth
- Family
- Tradition
- Independence
- Connection
- Achievement
- Recognition
- Simplicity
- Intimacy
- Power
- Service
Add your own:
What values are missing from this list that matter to you?
Examples:
- Spontaneity
- Solitude
- Aesthetic beauty
- Intellectual stimulation
- Physical fitness
- Financial independence
- Social justice
- Sensuality
- Competence
- Legacy
- Fun
- Peace
- Challenge
- Transparency
Write them all down. Aim for 40+ total values.
Part B: The Quick Swipe
Now look at your expanded list.
Quickly and intuitively, select your top 25 values—the ones you’d “swipe right” on right now.
Rules:
- Don’t overthink it
- Trust your gut
- First instinct counts
- You’re not married to these choices (yet)
This is speed dating. You’re just identifying initial attraction.
Step 2: The Exclusive Relationship (The “Top Shelf” 10)
Now we’re getting serious. This is where you commit to the top tier.
The Scenario:
Imagine you’re packing for an indefinite trip and can only take the energy of 10 values with you.
If you were forced to prioritize, which 10 values fundamentally define:
- Your decision-making
- Your emotional health
- Your non-negotiables in relationships
Part A: The Deal Breakers
From your top 25 list, select the 10 values that, if consistently violated, would cause you the most emotional pain or force you to end a significant relationship or friendship.
Ask yourself for each value:
“If someone I loved repeatedly violated this value, could I stay in that relationship?”
If the answer is no, it’s a Top Shelf value.
Examples:
- If you value Honesty and your partner lies repeatedly → relationship over
- If you value Autonomy and your partner tries to control you → relationship over
- If you value Adventure and your partner demands routine predictability → relationship struggles
These are your “Top Shelf” values—the ones you protect fiercely.
Part B: The Vetting (The Brutal Honesty Part)
Here’s where it gets real.
For each of your Top 10 values, ask yourself:
“When was the last time I truly sacrificed something important (time, money, another opportunity) to honor this value?”
If the answer is “never” or “I can’t remember,” that value might be aspirational, not core.
Examples of the difference:
Aspirational (sounds good, doesn’t guide behavior):
- You say you value Health but you haven’t prioritized exercise or nutrition in years
- You say you value Learning but you haven’t read a book or taken a class in months
- You say you value Family but you consistently skip gatherings for work
Core (actually guides your decisions):
- You value Health and you regularly say no to social events to get sleep or work out
- You value Learning and you budget money for courses even when finances are tight
- You value Family and you’ve turned down career opportunities to stay geographically close
Replace any purely aspirational values with ones that reflect your current, lived experience.
Be honest. This is for you, not for your Instagram bio.
Step 3: The Sacred Vow (Your “Core Five”)
This is the deepest level of intimacy with yourself.
Your Core Five are the values that fuel your personal engine—the ones that, when honored, make you feel most alive, successful, and authentically you.
Part A: The Non-Negotiable Contract
From your Top 10 list, choose your ultimate 5 values.
These are the values you would defend even if it meant significant discomfort or sacrifice.
The test:
Would you:
- End a relationship over this value being violated?
- Turn down a job that required you to compromise it?
- Sacrifice money, status, or comfort to honor it?
- Feel fundamentally wrong if you consistently violated it?
If yes to most of these, it’s a Core Five value.
Part B: The Relational Test
For each of your Core Five, fill in the blank:
“My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of ___________.”
Examples:
- “My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of Autonomy.” (Both partners have independent lives and identities)
- “My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of Adventure.” (We prioritize novelty and exploration together)
- “My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of Honesty.” (We can tell each other difficult truths)
- “My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of Playfulness.” (We don’t take ourselves too seriously)
- “My intimate relationships are strongest when they reflect my value of Growth.” (We challenge each other to become better)
Write these out. This is your relationship blueprint.
What To Do With Your Core Five
Now that you have them, actually use them.
For Singles:
Use your Core Five to vet potential partners:
❌ Don’t: Ignore red flags because someone’s hot or successful
✅ Do: Ask yourself “Does this person’s behavior align with my Core Five?”
Example:
If you value Authenticity and someone seems performative or fake → incompatibility, even if they check other boxes
If you value Adventure and someone needs rigid routines → you’ll frustrate each other
Your Core Five are your compatibility filter. Use them.
For People in Relationships:
Do the Couples Homework (below). Seriously, do it.
Understanding where your values align and differ will illuminate SO MUCH about your relationship dynamics.
Couples Homework Extension: The Values Congruence Exercise
If you’re in a relationship, both of you complete this exercise independently first.
Then sit down together for this conversation:
Part 1: The Congruence Check
Compare your final “Core Five” lists.
Where do you overlap?
These overlapping values are your areas of effortless connection.
Example:
You both value Honesty → You naturally trust each other and communicate openly
You both value Adventure → You easily agree on trying new things
You both value Family → Holidays and family time aren’t a source of conflict
Celebrate these overlaps. They’re your relationship strengths.
Part 2: The Conflict Forecast
Identify where your Core Five differ.
These differences are often the root of recurring conflicts.
Example:
Partner A values Security (stability, predictability, financial safety)
Partner B values Adventure (spontaneity, risk-taking, novelty)
Conflict pattern: Partner A wants to save money and plan ahead. Partner B wants to book last-minute trips and try new things.
Neither is wrong. The values are just different.
Once you identify this, you can:
- Stop blaming each other for having different needs
- Recognize the pattern when conflicts arise
- Intentionally create space for both values
Discussion prompt:
“How can we honor both Security AND Adventure in our relationship?”
Possible solutions:
- Budget for spontaneity (planned money for unplanned adventures)
- Create financial stability baseline, then take risks above that
- Partner A gets veto power on financial decisions; Partner B gets veto power on routine vs. novelty decisions
- Alternate months: one focused on security, one on adventure
The point: You can’t eliminate value differences. But you can negotiate them consciously once you know they exist.
Part 3: The Love Language of Values
Discuss practical, concrete ways you can actively support your partner in living out their Core Five values this week.
Example:
Partner values Autonomy:
- Don’t ask them to justify how they spend their solo time
- Support their independent friendships without jealousy
- Give them space to make decisions about their own life
Partner values Growth:
- Ask about what they’re learning or working on
- Support their desire for courses, books, or challenges
- Don’t mock their self-improvement efforts
Partner values Connection:
- Prioritize quality time together
- Put your phone away during conversations
- Initiate emotional intimacy, not just sexual
This is how you translate abstract values into concrete actions that strengthen your relationship.
My Core Five (Because I Should Practice What I Preach)
For transparency, here are mine:
- Authenticity – I cannot perform a version of myself that isn’t real. My relationships are strongest when I can be genuinely, sometimes messily, myself.
- Autonomy – I need independence, personal agency, and the freedom to make my own choices. My relationships are strongest when my partner trusts me to manage my own life.
- Growth – I value learning, self-improvement, and evolution. My relationships are strongest when we challenge each other to become better versions of ourselves.
- Humor – I need to laugh, not take everything seriously, and find absurdity in difficulty. My relationships are strongest when we can be playful and ridiculous together.
- Curiosity – I’m endlessly interested in ideas, people, and experiences. My relationships are strongest when my partner is intellectually engaged with the world.
Knowing this helps me:
- Recognize when I’m compromising too much (violating Autonomy)
- Identify compatible partners (must value Humor and Curiosity)
- Understand my own reactions (I get frustrated when people resist Growth)
- Set boundaries that protect what matters (Authenticity is non-negotiable)
Your turn.
The Bottom Line: Know Your Values, Know Yourself
Here’s the truth:
Most people stumble through relationships hoping compatibility magically happens.
They wonder why they keep attracting the wrong people or why “good on paper” relationships feel hollow.
The answer is usually values misalignment.
You can’t build lasting intimacy with someone whose core values fundamentally conflict with yours.
You can’t feel fulfilled living a life that violates your actual values while honoring someone else’s.
Knowing your Core Five gives you:
- Clarity on who you’re compatible with
- Language to articulate your needs
- Framework for making decisions
- Understanding of recurring conflicts
- Ability to build relationships that actually work
This isn’t abstract self-help nonsense.
This is practical relationship infrastructure.
Do the work. Find your Core Five. Use them to build a life and relationships that feel authentically yours.
Because intimacy requires authenticity. And authenticity requires knowing what you actually value—not what you think you should value.
Now go play the game. And be brutally honest.
Your future relationships will thank you.
—Ms. Erin
