FAQ’s

What exactly does “normal” mean? Who sets those parameters? 

People constantly want to know if what they are doing, feeling and fantasizing about inside and outside of the bedroom is “normal,” whether it’s their level of desire or the shape and size of their genitals. The type of porn they like, or a fetish they have. If you’re happy, your partner is happy, you’re being safe, and have consent, do what you want. No one has a right to judge what’s going on in your sex life or bedroom, unless there’s some illegality involved. 

A lot of people stumble upon “orgasm” during their childhood or teens while self-stimulating. I put “orgasm” in quotations because when the pleasurable sensations happen, you don’t know what it is, nor was there intent behind it. I’m normalizing what’s supposed to happen. 

Becoming orgasmic is actually an intentional skill that can be developed. There are a number of techniques, especially breathing techniques. It’s a good idea to understand sexual anatomy and physiology (male/female). For example, the different parts of the penis, the location and function of the prostate, the differences between a clitoral and G-spot orgasm. It’s also important to be patient and have fun with the journey.

It’s important for the partner to already be orgasmic on his/her own, and be able to communicate well with the partner. 

Same response as question number 2. Also don’t be afraid to use toys. Work with a therapist or a coach.

A whole lot of things can be happening here…. hormone or nutritional changes , like thyroid, testosterone, estrogen; nutritional deficiencies, like B-12, vitamin D); medical problems, like blood flow issues caused by hypertension, diabetes, heart disease; or side effects of medications, like antidepressants, or those for  hypertension, depression, and anxiety. And of course stress, infidelity, and  trauma might have an impact. This is a situation where licensed professionals are needed to help sort things out, along with sexual health educators.

What’s in pop culture isn’t realistic. There’s way more to this than tying someone up, or whipping them with a crop. There needs to be education about the whole relationship power dynamic, and where you stand. There needs to be education on safety, consent, boundaries, and open communication. This isn’t as simple as people make it seem, nor should it be romanticized. Definitely work with a therapist or coach who specializes in the area. 

This can be tricky, but yes. There absolutely has to be work with a therapist, sexologist, or related professional. There has to be a reset to the relationship, and agreement to a clean slate moving forward. There also needs to be a mutual agreement to invest; the needed time and money to fix the relationship. Find professionals who specialize in the area.

Lots of ideas! Games, role playing. Date nights. Having small groups of friends over and playing games. Attending fun workshops. Attending couples retreats. Get a membership to a swingers club just to occasionally be in an adult atmosphere. Learn how to use different toys, lubes, etc. Read to each other (couples improvement books or erotica). Take the sex coaching program and do the assignments together. Hire a sex coach to help you host a party and let them teach a class. 

Lots of things might be happening here. Is this about delayed ejaculation? Or inability to maintain an erection? Or ejaculating before you want to? Or having performance anxiety? Whatever it is, it can be addressed in therapy or coaching. Work with someone who specializes in the area.

Yep. It’s one type of relationship style. This one can either be called cuckolding, or hotwifing, etc. depending on the circumstances. This definitely takes communication and education about consensual non-monogamy.

There’s nothing wrong with watching porn as long as it’s legal, as long as it’s not preventing the person from functioning in other areas of life, and as long as it’s not replacing sex with the partner. Men tend to be more visual than women. Watching porn has nothing to do with their desire to be with someone else. Sometimes it’s just their me-time.

Therapy/counseling is provided by a licensed mental health professional and the client has a mental health diagnosis from the DSM. Treatment plans and medical records are required. Therapists/counselors do not engage in any sexual contact with clients, since this is both unethical and illegal. 

Coaching is the provision of education, guidance, and referral resources. Sex coaches often get referrals from medical and mental health professionals. This is nondiagnostic and nonmedical in nature, and therefore no requirement for medical records. Coaches do not engage in any sexual contact with clients, as this is unethical and illegal.  

Sexology is a combination of these. A clinical sexologist usually has additional medical or mental health credentials, and can do evaluations/assessments for appropriate collateral referrals/services. A clinical sexologist has more training than a sex coach. The sexologist will not provide or treat any diagnoses (mental or medical). Sexologists do not engage in any sexual contact with clients, as this is both unethical and illegal. 

Sex Therapy requires that the professional has a “CST” credential (certified sex therapist), in addition to other mental health credentials. They are able to diagnose any mental health or sexual health matters. Although there is a diagnosis and required medical records, this is still not covered by insurance, and if it is there are a lot of restrictions. Sex Therapists do not engage in any sexual contact with clients, as this is both unethical and illegal. 

This is very tricky. This can happen if the client works together with a licensed sex therapist and a sex surrogate, or surrogate partner. While other forms of sex therapy do not include the possibility of physical touch or intimacy, sexual surrogacy does. Sexual surrogacy is a controversial and commonly misunderstood form of therapy. Discuss this issue with a sexual health professional with “CST” or other sex therapy credentials to maintain ethical and legal guidelines. Find a professional from the AASECT website for further information on this topic. 

Only medical and mental health services are covered by insurance because both of these require a diagnosis for insurance claims. Since neither sex coaching or sexology consultations have a diagnosis, these are not covered by insurance. Some clients use insurance for regular therapy and medical issues, and do private pay for any sexual health services. Remember, when using insurance, you do not have as much privacy because there is an actual diagnosis and associated medical records to support a diagnosis. For example, an insurance company like Blue Cross Blue Shield or Tricare will need to see some sort of diagnostic code (depression, anxiety, etc). Most of the time with sexual health matters, no one is diagnosed with anything, and if a superbill is requested, I always use “no diagnosis”, or Z03.89, or “Z71.1”, which means a person might have a condition but no diagnosis made. This is especially important when working with couples.

All of these professionals have additional education specifically associated with all sexual health matters and relationships. General medical and mental health professionals do not have this training or related credentials. To see if you are working with a legitimate sexual health professional, check the provider listing on the AASECT website (American Association for Sex Educators, Counselors, and  Therapists), or that of the American Board of Sexology. 

When professionals have extended training associated with  these very sensitive, private, and “taboo” topics, they are less likely to judge any thoughts, feelings, or behaviors by the clients. The clients tend to feel emotionally safer with disclosures to a sexual health professional. 

We get to use the same “urban” language associated with sex that people commonly do. We sit with our clients having conversations about fucking, orgasms, pussies, asses, and dicks. It’s actually a fun job for the most part. 

As I always tell my clients, “There’s nothing you can tell me that will shock me because I’ve heard it all!”

The easiest answer is because of the specialized training that is specific for sexual health. To reduce the expense, use your insurance for regular couples therapy, mental health, and medical issues. Also consider what you are spending an investment in your personal and relationship growth. 

If you have any other questions, go ahead and use the consultation link to provide some information and I will get back to you to see if we can get started with your sexual health journey.