When working with couples, I ask a series of assessment-related questions that are designed to create a clinical snapshot of the relationship. For example, the first questions correspond to the actual stability and foundation of the relationship. The other questions are concerned with the growth of the relationship.
Despite popular belief, couples who have had long-distance relationships for most of the partnership actually do very well. They seem to have resiliency when situations challenge the stability. These couples are also able to place more focus on individual and relational growth.
People find that surprising. Couples who have newly become involved in long-distance relationships often believe the primary reason they are having problems is proximity. In reality, that is not true. Usually, the foundation of the relationship already had cracks before the couple decided to embark upon the long-distance relationship track. So, is it logical to assume they can thrive well as a pair or that each party can place much focus on individual growth? Not really. When the foundation of a relationship is unstable, the focal point has to be repairing the foundation. Further growth can only happen after that.
So, what is it that makes many long-distance relationships so healthy? How are these people able to sustain such strong alliances? Over the years, I have asked many couples in long-distance relationships about the challenges they have had and the things that have helped them to be successful. Keep in mind, these characteristics do exist in traditional cohabiting relationships, but we often take them for granted.
- People who are in healthy long-distance relationships learn good communication skills. They learn how to listen and how to effectively transmit information. Each party takes the time to learn their partner’s learning style and information-processing style. For example, some people learn by visual means; some are more auditory or tactile. Some people process information better as a feeler (from an emotional perspective), while others process information as a thinker (from a cognitive perspective).
- They have good relationship-building skills. These can include conflict resolution, life skills (such as financial security, fitness/health, and emergency planning), sex and romance, and self-management (including boundaries, assertiveness, and stress management). Couples who live apart are on the same page in these areas.
- Shared values are also common for people who live apart. Your value system defines who you are and what you stand for. We generally understand this long before we enter a relationship, and it’s important to discuss our values with someone we plan to spend our lives with. For example, integrity, honesty, and loyalty might be on your list of values. In order for the foundation of a relationship to be solid, your partner should share similar values. Many of the shared values for long-distance partners also align with career success.
- People in long-distance relationships are creative about quality time together. When two people live apart, they do not get to sleep in the same bed every night, eat meals together often, or engage in traditional couple activities until they have their limited time in close physical proximity. These couples are understanding about time zones and career-related challenges. Because they already have strong communication and relationship-building skills, they are very inventive when it comes to spending quality time. They truly cherish their time together, have the opportunity to miss each other, and do not spend a lot of time in conflict.
- Each party is secure, independent, and emotionally intelligent. Neither person depends on the other; each individual is capable of being alone. However, being in a partnership enhances what already exists—like icing on the cake. They choose to be together. Trust is a foundation of their relationship, eliminating constant fear or anxiety about what the other person is doing or whether they are being unfaithful.
- This actually falls under the umbrella of relationship-building skills, but it deserves special emphasis. Distance itself is often viewed as a healthy aspect of the relationship. It allows each person to have space and to experience individual growth. It also gives them a chance to miss each other and have meaningful conversations during their quality time together. The distance encourages them to maintain a problem-solving, solution-focused, and team-oriented mindset—qualities that are beneficial in other areas of life as well.
- Workshops have been conducted on this topic, specifically on how to sustain romance during deployment or in long-distance relationships. Connect with Erin Alexander, LPC-S, Sex Therapist, to learn more: [email protected].
